a dingo stole my baby!!

Every week there is a new story on the news about some poor woman who has her infant or unborn child stolen, with the high probability of her being assaulted if not killed for said child. Bellies slit, heads bashed and babies snatched in to the night by the unknown. That unknown ain’t so unknown anymore. It’s crazy white women stealing the babies. What the fuck mein. I know this first hand.

True story:

When I was carrying my youngest child I took the MUNI (read: street/subway car) to and from work. On my way home one afternoon I took a call from a dear friend and was having a conservative quiet conversation regarding my pregnancy. Completely unsolicited and without any cause in the conversation, a young professional white woman standing near by jumped in my face.

“I’ll take your baby,” she cried, “I’ve always wanted a child and I’d love to help you out!”

The blonde maniac was smiling across her face and had a look in her eye once worn by kamikaze pilots and Benzedrine -upped Nazis.

“Um, no. No thank you…” I would have been backing up but I was seated on a moving train.

“It’ll be fine, I’ll take good care of your baby-“ said Blondie clutching her uterus in an attempt to somehow will my child in to her body.

I had to interrupt her.

“Listen lady I said nothing about not wanting my child, now go away and leave me alone. Don’t make me get my pepper spray.”

I didn’t have any pepper spray but it did the trick. Nut-job walked towards the nearest door and stood silently waiting for her stop with a face on her like I skinned her puppy. She got off in a few stops. My friend who was on the phone heard the entire transaction and was cracking up laughing in disbelief. Yes, all of this really happened.

What the hell is wrong with the white women. You don’t see black women or asian women or hispanic women stealing babies and harming their mothers. What is it that would cause an individual to become so desperate that such atrocities seemed like a good idea?

Perhaps there is so much pressure in society on women to have it all, to have the perfect life, that when they cannot produce a child they would rather murder, maim and kidnap than fail their faux expectations. Perhaps there is now a generation of women who are so desperate to keep a relationship without the proper emotional tools to do so that they’d fake a pregnancy to keep a man around. Maybe its plain loneliness, life has left these women with no trust, love or friendship and they believe the only answer is a child. Who really knows why the crazies do anything.

Moral of the story is protect your infants and be smart about things. Its soooo tres chic to announce your child’s arrival with a lawn sign- but that nearly invites in the next crazy white woman to drive by to steal your bundle. Shit, those signs even indicate boy or girl, height and weight. Handy, it allows the Nut-job to shop for the flavor of infant she’s looking for. If you’re at home alone with your dear baby, don’t answer the door unless you’re expecting someone. Don’t walk away from your cart at the store leaving your pocito chico more than an arms length away. All this sounds paranoid but all of these things have caused babies to disappear and mothers to be harmed. How much can we be paranoid about, that’s an individual’s decision. As far as Mama BooBoo is concerned- whenever I’m out with my piece or out with my friends and their kids I keep a close watch on all the white women. Those are some tricky bitches.

Side note: Back in June I went to the aquarium with some friends, and I swear- the crazy blondie was there. With a man and a baby. Either she fixed her plumbing and popped one out or successfully snatched someone else’s. One less crazy white bitch off the streets.

Have Your Friends Get With My Friends…

When Harry Met Sally is the cliché opposite sex-friends movie, their life long friendship sees them through marriages, divorces, life itself until they end up bumping uglies and find themselves in the classic eighties movie scene of discomfort. Cue in Hispanic dude, hands to face: “Aye yai yai!” Pobracitos.

Most all of you BooBoo lovers have been in some sort of conundrum where friendship either crossed the line or was stopped at the ‘lovers’ border (keeping you in the friends zone). More often then this, one can deduce that feelings blossom and wilt for our friends, going unnoticed because ya’ll are shy, scared or maybe even entertaining a bf or gf yourself. Can the women and the men really be just friends, pure in intention and without any residual romantic feelings?

Sure we can. Well, kinda. It all depends on our maturity levels and how much or long you’ve had your friend boner for. And how honest you and friend have been about whatever the hell is going on. Lets face it- all of our relationships contain qualities that we desire in a romantic relationship. Trust, honesty, fun, like goals- you catch my drift. Makes it easy to want to take it to the physical… if you BooBoos realize this, say- YEARS in to the friendship its going to be awkward, there’s going to be a risk factor of losing the time you invested in this friendship and that ‘ish can be scary. If you and your friend are attracted to each other right off the bat and bang away- there may not be enough left to sustain a friendship. We don’t know if there’s a right answer when to lay it on your friends, just go with the flow and feel ‘em out. Be mature about it and keep in mind how important the friendship itself is as well as the things that would hang in the balance is you hooked up or got shot down.

The worst is when people bottle those secret lover feelings inside. Don’t let this happen to you BooBoos. Nothing is worse than seeing your buddy all twisted because he couldn’t tell his best friend he wants to have her babies. Not dealing with all that love often leads to mounds of jealousy and hate- toxic shit that your healthy life doesn’t need. To love your friends is to want what’s best for them, and that’s always their happiness. So if you can’t tell your friend, your friend isn’t interested or has a significant other- Be happy if your buddy is happy and know that your love is pure. Go on with your life, but since you kept your friend close ya’ll may be able to share that awkward Harry & Sally humping moment later. Mama BooBoo loves that for you… just leave out that blonde ass perm.

**Due to the overwhelming amount of fan mail containing advice questions we’ve received, we’re considering doing an advice blog on a regular basis. To have your conundrum considered, write us babuh.

myface. twatter. freemail. lolz.

We live in an age when business partners can be in the four corners of the world and hold a live time video meeting by phone. Society learns of news within seconds of it happening thanks to the internet. People you never even liked in high school can request your friendship and effortlessly plunder through your pictures, friends, and comments on their lunch break. (Is that a back handed compliment that the stuck up girl now is nosey enough to want to know your business? Hrm.) Isn’t it lovely to end your evening with paparazzi photos and the latest Hollywood gossip- makes your life seem a lil better, no? The way we communicate has drastically changed and perhaps it is necessary to share some common etiquette with those who are uninformed. Alas, welcome to the 21^st century!

Message importance

If you have anything to convey to someone that is of any importance, do not depend on anything electronic!! In a business setting its nice to have the security of email, because you know the other person got it… but intrapersonal things deserve a phone call or face to face. Under no circumstances should email/twitter/facebook/myspace/etc be used for the following: terminating a relationship (business or personal), flaking/changing plans, announcing pregnancy/death/std, expressing any worthwhile emotion (love/hate/indifference) … I know it’s the easiest way to convey bad news as you get out of having to deal with the backlash, but its bad news. Grow some balls and deal with it.

TMI

Just because we have the ability to share our lives with the world at large via the social networking sites doesn’t mean we should. In fact, it’s kind of dangerous to tell the world when and where you’re doing everything. Sharing personal jokes and innuendos between friends is fun, but we don’t need to know you were having your pipes cleaned last night by the local plumber. Especially when you’re friends with your friend’s parents, your aunt Bea and your supervisor at work. The later will figure it out anyway when you spend your morning texting your girls the depraved details.

Group emails

This can be the most frustrating thing. My favorite is when someone jumps in the thread about 8 emails in to it. Better yet when you get a private email from someone in the thread and it wasn’t meant for you- or vice versa. Ohh snap. Exercise caution and pay attention to detail. And don’t worry; someone is always ‘the bitch’ in a group email thread. Guilty as charged.

Invitations

Its bomb that we can save the texts and the paper invites to send out an evite to get the word out about your next costume-pool-wine & cheese-masquerade kegger. Don’t get butt hurt when not everyone doesn’t open your evite right away or doesn’t rsvp. Good lord there are more important things to do. Though it may be a courtesy to do so, as a host(ess) you should care enough about your guests to call everyone as a friendly reminder. If you can’t do that then you don’t really care that much. It’s unfair to think that if you sent an invitation via smoke signals that the recipient would do the same.

Attention Whoring (also known as 'the John Mayer')

Pictures of you in various states on undress, usually in front of the bathroom mirror. You tube videos of yourself lip syncing to Beyonce songs. Declaring that you are so ugly and stupid in hopes you’ll get rebuttals to make yourself feel better. Responding to every single post by your friends in hopes for some acknowledgment. Posting 50 blurry pictures of the same thing. There’s plenty of places to get reciprocated attention on the interwebs- there is some web site for people who want you. But just throwing yourself out there is like standing on a corner with a sandwich board that says “pay attention to me.” You may get some looks but…. Sad face.

The internet can be an appropriate place to express yourself but think about what exactly you’re putting out there. If you have something to say someone that is important enough to you to get upset about, turn off the computer. Call them. The moment you hook-up don’t rush to change your relationship status. Wait until you flush the jimmy hat down the toilet. In this era of easy electronic communication don’t forget the necessary human element… it will save you a bunch of butt hurt and misunderstandings.

Faith in a Godless World

Want to have a good day? Its your decision. Not Gods.

Feel like you're always burdened with more than you can handle? You are because you think you are. God didn't do that you.

About 5% to 10% of Young Americans have historically not gone to church or claimed religious affiliation. In May a national survey pulled a staggering 30% to 40% of young Americans who no longer affiliate themselves or go to church. We're effectively losing our religion and I'm here to tell you I don't care about that. That just means less of us are blaming our hate, bias, guilt and discrimination on an all powerful deity. We're getting our freedom back from the thrall state of organized religion! Awesome!..?... no.

(If you do hold a religious faith, keep reading this applies to everyone.)

Yes, its awesome that people have opened up their lives to making personal decisions outside of a dogma that dictates lives for the financial and spiritual benefit of few... but it appears that the 40% isn't replacing their faith with anything substantial, including themselves. Our brains are constantly being bombarded of images of what the media tells us we should be, its easy to see how our peer group has lost its self-esteem and faith in general because a very small percentage of the population fit in to the media model of wealthy, good looking, flawless and problem-less people. No faith in religion, no faith in ourselves... so lets go get hammered, make some bad decisions because we have nothing to believe in... right?

Wrong dude. Faith in its purest form transcends religious boundaries to equate to the most beautiful components of human nature: love, kindness, hope, well being. Who deserves this faith just as much as anyone else? You do. So many people resign to things that bring them down and pigeon hole themselves in to moments of tragedy and challenge that seriously hinder their human experience. By having faith in yourself, faith that you can rise to the occasion and get out of whatever hole you are in, faith that this to shall pass- this is the faith that our generation is starving for. Don't confuse faith with confidence, one is spiritual and of your id and the other is the reflection of the ego. If we are going to survive in this generation we need to open our eyes to the god-energy within ourselves. Take control of your experience, know that by gods hand or by evolutionary placement you are here to do your damn thing- eff all the rest.

Maybe this is a little fru-fru for some of ya'll, but its the simplest of simple. Don't allow yourself to be fooled by handing responsibility of your life to the circumstances around you. Check your head, see that your perception of life is determined by your attitude. Once you understand that, you can see how your faith in yourself- the love, kindness and hope you see in your own experience will radiate in everything you do. You're not turning water to wine, or floating out of a cave three days dead but the miracle of your God is your life. Sans the collection plate and any sort of fasting. Even if you practice a faith, this is good shit. And I'm sure you're god will dig on it too, just as much as the disenfranchised average kid will. It also may make your journey here a little more enjoyable.

A little heavy on the thought, easy on the rant today.... but so it goes.

Mamas, Dont Let Your Baby Grow Up To Be...

Parents these days are ridiculous. Clown shoes. ludicrous. absurd.

I was trudging uphill through Golden Gate Park, towing a wagon stuffed with my 31 pound progeny, a picnic and half of the known universe while on my cell trying to get directions... As i hung up the phone and swore. I don't remember if it was 'fuck' or 'shit' or 'cunt.' It doesn't even matter. This nine year old girl who was walking a good 20 feet in front of me turned around and gave me a stare like i killed her puppy. she runs up to the safety over her mother who also turns around and looks at me with flames of furious menopause. My response to her?

"Turn around."

In this day and age, no tween should be horrified by swear words. And its not like I was shouting at the top of my lungs either. I'm all about keeping kids their age in these times of accelerated maturation. But if a kid that old hasn't heard a solid 'fuck' in their day than we have a problem Houston.

Parents are coddling their kids folks. This crap is a symptom of the pendulum swinging in the other direction; the accelerated maturation had led some parents to over protect their children. No tv, no meat, no swearing, no public school, no violence, no jumping off the couch... no 'no.' You have to understand that as a mother I firmly believe that we have to take an independent look at every aspect of life and decide how we're going to raise our children. Some of these aforementioned things are good to limit, are good to moderate. What many parents fail to understand is the product of their decisions can also debilitate their kids. Who would chose to be the dorky pale kid who doesn't know how to hold a bat in PE or cant eat the birthday cupcakes in class because their parents don't allow them processed sugar. Or how about getting to high school or college and never sitting in a room of your peers. I know the world is mean and scary and as parents we need to protect our kids, but more importantly we need to prepare them for the world to come. If you don't do this, you are seriously disservicing the next generation.

nooches.

So if your kid wants a Slurpee once in her life, give her the effing Slurpee. If you're boy wants to watch some MMA, let him- its his natural instinct. Don't be a tool, let a s-bomb fly and don't apologize for it. Shit happens.

PS: How would a nine year old know what 'cunt' meant anyway.... huh??

Suggestion Box

Since the birth of Hamas in 1967 the Palestinian-Israeli conflict has seen much blood spilled. This seemingly unsolvable conflict plagues every nation in the world as their war perpetuates our wars because what is war for, except to fight over god (yes, lower case god) and control of land and women. Many have tried, few have seen a limited success... what can we do to create peace in these territories? Send over Jon and Kate. Yes, pack up the nanny and the eight brats and send em to the Middle East. Include their paparazzi, send Kate to cry in a berka on tv, give Jon a few women- fuck, give him a nice mix of Jew and Muslim hotties. Just as this train wreck of a family has captivated and annoyed the American people it will jolt the Israelis and Palestinians too. Their conjoined interest and annoyance may give em a common ground to share.

"Dimitri, did you see how Kate totally just cut Jon's balls off because he couldn't put together the swing set?!"
"i know Ahmed, right?? What a bitch!"


Maybe they can see that they're like Jon and Kate... in a situation where nobody is winning and the children suffer the most. Everyone needs to take of their Ed Hardy, change their tampons and see that we're all people with needs.

What the fuck is the internet??

Starting a blog, starting a blog. I tried to come up with a thought out theme for my blog, something to attract joe six pack or mary mabelline in to my licentious stories and tales... but i got nothing. i'm going to use this bitch to get shit off my tits and share with you the ridiculousness that seems to surround me. I'm a jaded citizen, a underestimated lover, a mother by chance, a paper pusher, a constant learner.... and before all of these a thrall I'm not. so open up your mind let me crawl inside and see what i can find...


Rated R for Realistic Language and Real Life Situations.